Buckeye Humor - www.scaredshark.com

THE WAITING ROOM

A graduate from Ohio State, a graduate from Michigan and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his first child. Suddenly, the lights went out. Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room.
"I've got good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig," she announced. Despite the electrical outage, two healthy boys and one

healthy piglet have been delivered. However, since the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we aren't sure which first born belongs to whom. The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first."
     The three proud papas agreed and the Ohio grad won the drawing. He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three newborns for a painstakingly long time. Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the piglet and headed for the door
     "Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice," the nurse asked "No, I'm not," replied the Buckeye grad. "But I just couldn't run the risk of ending up with the Michigan kid."

IF IT'S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE...

     Two University of Michigan students are walking by a storefront and
see a sign that reads:

Suits $5.00 each
Shirts $2.00 each
Trousers $2.50 per pair

     One says to the other, "Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to the University, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay. Just let me do the talking."
     They go into the store and the UM fan says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my truck up and ....."
     The owner of the shop interrupts him, "You're from the University of Michigan, aren't you?"
     "Well...yes," says the surprised UM fan. "How did you know that?"
     The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

THOSE WOLVERINES! THEY'RE ALWAYS THINKING!

     An Ohio State student, an Iowa student, and a Michigan student were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.
     A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the Ohio State student top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the he was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?"
     The Ohio State student explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.
     A little while later the rancher noticed the Iowa student walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.
     As before, the Iowa student explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.
     Finally the Michigan student appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"
     "Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

DEAR ABBY

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Columbus who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Worthington and one of my sisters, who lives in Dublin, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Grove City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Lucasville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is

currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Atlanta and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fianci and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Michigan fan?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

MY THREE SONS

     An old man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons. He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know what each of them would like to have. He stressed that money was no object.
     His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. His father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.
     His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So his father went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles: 10 dirt bikes, 10 Harley Davidsons, and 10 sport bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month.
     His third and youngest son was only 8 years old, and the little guy said that he simply had wanted just a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the University of Michigan.

HELP WANTED

     Live, work and study in lovely Ann Arbor, Mich. Earn free tuition, room
and board and complete and utter seclusion from the media.
     Only job requirement: must be able to kick a ball through two uprights.
No references necessary.

MICHIGAN EXAM TIME

     A Michigan football player reported for his university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions.
     He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then in a fit of inspiration reaches into his pocket and removes a coin. He starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
     During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
     "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers.

CLICK ON ANY IMAGE FOR A LARGER VIEW

BUCKEYE CHARITY

A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual."
He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"
The officer replies, "Lloyd Carr is depressed, so he stopped the team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State every year and says that the university has cut back on his recruiting budget, making it more difficult for him to sign quality players. We're taking up a collection for him."
The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

BUCKEYE MAN RULES

*Never agree to get married on a Saturday Ohio State is scheduled to play football. There are typically 40 other freakin' weekends to choose from...sack up and make her choose one of those!

*Never attend a wedding during an Ohio State football game unless you carry a TV......and watch it even during the ceremony.

*It is OK to wear an OSU football jersey even when old....and fat....and bald. Extra points if you've got an OSU baseball cap on backwards, sit in the " Huntington club" seats and repeatedly spill stuff on anyone named "Chas" or "Muffy." (Make sure you do so early and often because they'll be long gone by the end of the third period). Maybe some "real" fans will take their seats.

*Always, and I mean ALWAYS, return any "O...H" with a hearty "I...O." This is true even during funerals, sex, in foreign countries or when witnessing the birth of your child.

*When driving on I-75 during spring break season (March through April), every fifth vehicle you see with Michigan license plates should be honked at then flipped off. By Tennessee , even those dumb SOB's should get the point.

*When Notre Dame plays Michigan , it is mandatory to despise both teams. There are no winners.

*You cannot have a second favorite football team behind OSU. You are permitted to have another team (non-Big Ten or ND) that you hate less than the others.

*It is OK to be emotional (and even "tear" up) during the following:

-Script Ohio
-Your child's first Buckeye game
-Carmen Ohio
-During a Tressel speech
-Listening to "What I Want"
-Remembering Woody
-After beating Michigan
-Winning the National Championship
-Hearing Brett Musberger exclaim,"Holy Buckeye!"
-When NFL Buckeyes state on MNF that they are from "THE" Ohio State University .
-Hearing the phrase, "Rest easy Woody, the new man has arrived."
-Ramp entrance

*It is not cool to make fun of the Neutron Man. Especially now that he is watching games with Woody.

*Buckeye necklaces must be worn at all times on game day from the time you leave your place of abode until you return. One other time: If you happen to get desperate and are in the process of bagging a girl from Michigan , you must have on your Buckeye necklace to ward off any feelings of affection. (This is true even if you go over to the dark side and marry her).

*Always take off your hat during Carmen Ohio and physically remove the hats of anyone in your vicinity who fails to do so.

*Everyone should rush the field after an OSU home victory over Michigan at least once in their lifetime. (Extra kudos for those of you who rushed the field at IU and tore down THEIR goalposts a few years ago...c'mon you know who you are!).

*Once your children attain age ten, they should be allowed to say "F" Michigan but only during game day in your presence.

*Attending Skull Session is mandatory at least once each season.

*ESPN employees must be verbally taunted at every opportunity.

*We must all pray that the next president of OSU has more of a clue than the present one.

*When you die, you must have at least one item of Buckeye memorabilia with you. (Specify which one in your will, that way your spouse won't pick something stupid).

*Your children should be taught to let you know when they "have to take a Wolverine."

*You must be willing to die to defend your right to drink beer during tailgates.

*You are forbidden to fall for the National Media crap sandwich that JoePa is still a "good guy." In reality, he is a bitter, senile old man reduced to a cheerleader and referee-baitor. His credibility went south forever when he hired Galen "Cheatin" Hall to resurrect his sorry football program.

*Recruiting must be followed as intensely as any game. This is true even if it puts your job/career at risk.

*Attend the Spring Game. It makes it easier to survive the summer.

*When in church, it is not sacrilegious to count being a Buckeye as one of your blessings.

*Try to never boo a former or current Buckeye football player.

*Correct anyone who doesn't refer to OSU as "THE" Ohio State University . If they argue with you over what they think to be a nit-picky point, you are free to kick their @$$.

*When making fun of guys in marching bands always caveat your comments with a statement that, regardless of what you just said, anyone in TBDBITL is very cool. (The Ohio State Marching Band aka The Best Damn Band In The Land)

*Admit that secretly, you wished you played tuba and could dot the "i." You'd even be willing to put on a few dozen pounds to look the part.

*You would not trade the opportunity to swill beer while listening to The Danger Brothers after an OSU victory over Michigan for tickets to any rock band that has ever existed.

*It is important to consider the "good old days" ARE NOW. Enjoy them even when OSU doesn't win the NC.

*Scarlet and Gray always works. Maize and Blue is always gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

*Drinking alcohol before 9:00 A.M. is, at best, immature, and likely, a sign of a serious problem. Except on game day.

*It is never ok to talk to a stranger at the urinal next to you unless he is dressed in OSU garb. That said, the topic should be limited to Buckeye football.

*There are no bad seats in Ohio Stadium.

*If you attend a game at Wisconsin , you must never engage in "Jump Around" at the end of the third quarter no matter how tempting. Also, never, and I mean never, take your kids to a Wisconsin game unless you want to explain why everyone there are drunken jerks.

*If your wife asks you what was the greatest night of your life, admit the truth that it was January 3, 2003. Sex isn't as important or rewarding as that NC.

*Plant a Buckeye tree in your yard

*Hang a Buckeye flag on game day. If any of your neighbors counter with a Michigan flag, it is your solemn duty to tear it down and deface it anyway you see fit.

*It is "ok" to not get the drum major thing; it is "not ok" to fail to cheer when the plume touches the field.

*Be thankful beer is not sold during the game. It leaves more room for HineyGate.

*In honor of Woody, the principle of "paying forward" should be practiced at all times by all Buckeyes.