Buckeye Humor - www.scaredshark.com

20 LASHES

An Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan and a Penn State fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being

caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
     However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
    As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
     The Penn State fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Penn State fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
     The Michigan fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Michigan fan out crying like a little girl.
     The Ohio State fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
     "Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Buckeye fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
     "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
     "Tie the Michigan fan to my back."

TOP TEN COURSES FOR ATHLETES AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN

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Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F"?
Pre-law Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States
Sandwich Making: A Project Course
Hand-Shadow Workshop
Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend
Cliff's Notes vs. Monarch Notes: Two Views of the Classics
Hydraulic Principles of the Keg
The College Classroom: A Simulation
ABC's: An Extended Version
Your A** from a Hole in the Ground: A Comparative Study

ANATOMY 101

     Four doctors were sitting in a break room discussing operating procedures, The first doctor said, "I like to operate on librarians. Their insides are arranged in alphabetical order."
     The second doctor said, "I prefer accountants. Everything inside them is neatly numbered."
     The third doctor said, "I kind of like engineers. They don't mind if a few parts are left over when you're done."
    The fourth doctor, by far the most experienced, said, "Wolverines fans are by far the easiest. They're heartless, spineless, and gutless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable."

THE TUNNEL

		A Buckeyes fan, a Wolverines fan, a nun and a stunning blonde are riding on a train. Suddenly the train heads into a tunnel. A loud smack is heard and as the train rides out of the tunnel the Wolverines fan is rubbing his face. The nun thinks: "Serves him right for trying to grab the blonde."
		The blonde thinks: "Serves him right for trying to grab the nun." The Wolverines fan thinks: "The Buckeyes fan was probably trying to grab the blonde, missed her and grabbed the nun instead. Then she tried to smack him in the face and missed."
The Buckeyes fan thinks: "Next tunnel I'm going to smack that stupid Wolverines fan again."

PEACE OFFERING

     Two Wolverines boarded a shuttle flight out of Detroit for Chicago. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat, beside him.
     Just before takeoff, a Buckeye got on and took the aisle seat next to the Wolverines. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in, when the Wolverine in the window seat, said, "I think I'll get up and get a soda."
    "No problem," said the Buckeye, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the Buckeye's shoe and spit in it.
     When the Buckeye returned with the soda, the other Wolverine said, "That looks good; I think I'll have one too." Again, the Buckeye obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the other shoe and spit in it.
     The Buckeye returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Chicago. As the plane was landing, the Buckeye slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
     "How long must this go on?" the Buckeye asked. "This enmity between our schools? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in sodas?"

THE FIRING SQUAD

     A Buckeyes fan, a Spartan fan and a Wolverines fan have been captured by Iraqi forces and are about to be executed by firing squad. First, the Buckeyes fan is blindfolded and placed in front of the firing squad. The Iraqi officer said, "Ready, aim...."
     The Buckeyes fan yells "Sandstorm!" and all the Iraqis hit the dirt and the Buckeyes fan runs away.
     The Spartan fan was placed in front of the firing squad. The officer said "Ready, aim.....";
     The Spartan fan shouted " Tornado!!!!". All the Iraqis again hit the dirt while the Spartan fan escaped.
     The Wolverines fan thought this was great. When he was blindfolded, again the officer shouted "Ready, aim...." The Wolverines fan shouted "FIRE!"

CLICK ON ANY IMAGE FOR A LARGER VIEW

JOHN BOUDREAUX AND THE DEVIL

     John Boudreaux dies and goes to hell. The devil visits him and asks, "How are you enjoying your stay in hell, Mr. Boudreaux?"
     Johnny sits there smiling and says, "It's very nice, thank you, like a June day in Louisiana."
     The devil frowns, turns up the dial a notch, and leaves. He comes back the next day and says, "How do you like hell now, Mr. Boudreaux?"
     Johnny looks him square in the eye and says, "Not bad a'tall. Just like a July day in Louisiana."
     The devil curses loudly and cranks it up yet another notch. He comes back the next day and says, "How do you like it now?"
     Johnny says, "Poo-ya-iee cher! Just like an August day in Louisiana."
     The devil thinks a minute, then cranks the dial all the way down to zero. He comes back the next day, snow is falling, ice is everywhere and ol' Johnny Boudreaux is sitting there shivering.
     "NOW what do you say Mr. Boudreaux?"
     "Well ah'll be! The Wolverines must have won the Rose Bowl!"

WHAT DOES YOUR DADDY DO?

     It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
     The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
     The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
     Then one little boy says: "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
     The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject. Later in the school yard the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
     He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad coaches football for Michigan and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

MICHIGAN ENTRANCE EXAM - FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
TIME LIMIT: 3 WKS

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
(a)Jewish
(b) CATHOLIC
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
(check only one) .

5 Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting