Buckeye Humor - www.scaredshark.com

FOOTBALL IN HEAVEN

A guy dies and goes to heaven. There he is met by St. Pete. St. Pete welcomes him to heaven and shows him around. The guy is amazed at what is in heaven. The last place St. Pete takes the guy is to this football game. It is in a horseshoe shaped stadium. As they are
watching the game the man notices a tubby man with a white shirt, black tie, and black hat running up and down the sideline ranting and raving. The man looks at St. Pete and asks, "Who is that madman?" St. Pete answers, "Oh, that's God. But he thinks he's Woody Hayes."

THE SMARTER QUARTERBACK

     Lloyd Carr, clearly upset about the Michigan Wolverine's loss to the Oregon Ducks, decides to find out from Jim Tressel what his winning secret is. Carr travels to an OSU practice and asks Tressel, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?"
     Tressel, trying to be helpful, responds by calling Craig Krenzel over and asks him, "Craig, who's your fathers brother's nephew? Krenzel answers, "Why coach, that's easy? it's me." Tressel turns to Carr and says, "See, that's the secret, Lloyd. A smart quarterback? You've got to have a smart quarterback!"
     Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Carr returns to Michigan and the Wolverine workout. He promptly calls over John Navarre. "Hey, Navarre! Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
     John looks perplexed, thinks a bit and says, "Coach, I'll have to get back to you after practice on that, okay? Carr, disgusted, says okay.
     During practice, Navarre calls over Chris Perry. "Hey, Chris, Coach just asked me the weirdest question? "Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Perry answers, "Duh? That's pretty simple? It's me!"
     After practice, Navarre catches up with Carr and says, "Hey, Coach, I have the answer to your question! My father's brother's nephew is Chris Perry!"
     Carr (very angry with Navarre) says, "No, No, No! You idiot! It's Craig Krenzel!"

MICHIGAN CEMETERY

     A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read: "Here lies a Michigan graduate and an honest man."
     The little boy asked, "Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?"

ON SECOND THOUGHT

     General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.
     The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."
     The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."
     The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."
     "Well," the General responds, "then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?"
     After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."

OKAY, SO THIS ONE HAS BEEN AROUND
FOREVER UNDER A MILLION VARIATIONS

     An airplane was about to crash; there were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes for them to use.
     The first passenger said, "Well, I'm Joe Paterno. I have more wins than any other coach in the Big 10 Conference. My team needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
     The second passenger, Lloyd Carr, said "I too can not afford to die. Too many loyal Wolverine fans depend on me to bring glory to the university. I am the most ambitious and clever coach in the country." With that, he grabbed the second parachute and hurriedly jumped out of the plane.
     The third passenger, Jim Tressel, says to the fourth passenger, a ten year-old school boy "Son, I have lived a full life and enjoyed many successes. You have your entire life in front of you. As a Christian man, I am willing to sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
     The boy said, "It's OK Mr. Tressel, there's still a parachute left for you. America's cleverest coach took my school backpack."

ALBERT EINSTEIN

	Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the woman answers, "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the Mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss." Next Albert introduces himself to a man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to
which the gentleman answers, "144." "That's great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How 'bout them Wolverines?"

DESERTED ISLAND

     You're stranded on a deserted island with three people: a cannibal, a mass murderer, and a guy in a Michigan hat. You have gun with only two bullets remaining.
     Who do you shoot?
     The Michigan fan... twice.

ROAD-SIDE RESTROOM

     In a road-side restroom three men were standing side-by-side using the urinals.
     The 1st man finished, zipped up and started washing. He literally scrubbed his hands clear up to his elbows and used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and we were taught to be clean."
     The 2nd man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from Penn State and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
     The 3rd man zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Ohio State University... and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

CLICK ON ANY IMAGE FOR A LARGER VIEW

SCHOOL LOYALTY

     Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.
     As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for Purdue!" as he fell to his doom.
     Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain proclaiming "This is for Northwestern!"
     Seeing this the Buckeye walked over and shouted "This is for everyone!!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.

THE CHEAP SEATS

     A guy named Bob received a free ticket to the OSU/Michigan game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium way back in the South Stands-- he was closer to the Goodyear blimp than to the field.
     About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way down to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."
     Now, very excited to have such a great seat for the game, Bob said, "That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the OSU / Michigan game and not use it?" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Ohio State game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
     "Well, that's really sad, " said Bob. "But you couldn't find a friend or relative to come with you?"
     The man replied, "No. They're all at the funeral."

SKOOL DAZE

     A former UM football player was having a hard time graduating from college after his glory years as a star defensive end.
     After 8 years as an undergrad, the alumni and faculty were becoming embarrassed. "How can we get him out of here?", they asked.
     Finally, one professor came up with an idea. "Let's put him in front of the student body and let them ask him one question. If he gets it right, we'll give him a diploma."
     So they put the UM student in front of the entire student body. The student body opted to ask him the question: "What is one plus one?"
     He received his question and he thought... and thought... and finally, after 10-suspense filled seconds, he shouted "Two!!".

"AWWWWWW", cried the student body. "Give him another chance!"

THE HOTLINE

     Jim Tressel stopped by Lloyd Carr's office in Ann Arbor one day for some friendly football conversation. As the two were talking, he noticed a blue telephone locked in a glass case behind Carr's desk. Tressel asked "Lloyd, what's that blue phone you got there?"
     "That's my hotline to God." Carr responded with big Michigan grin.
     "Mind if I give Him a call?" Tressel asked as if impressed.
     Carr said "Go ahead, but don't use it long. The long distance charges are outrageous from here to Heaven."
     Tressel proceeded to call God, afterward thanked Carr for the use of the phone, and then returned to Columbus.
     Tressel is in his office one day and Carr drops in to talk some pigskin. As Carr walks in the door, he notices a red phone sitting on a silver platter right out in the open. Carr asks "Jim, what's that red phone on the platter?"
     "That's my line to God." Jim responds with a smile.
     Carr, looking a little disappointed asks "You mind?" Tressel says "No. Talk all you want. Everybody talks to God around here."
     "How can you afford that?" asks Carr looking perplexed.
     Tressel says with a chuckle "Ohio is God's country! It's not long distance from here!"

TRAIN TICKETS

     Three Ohio State fans and three Michigan fans are travelling by train to a game. At the station, the three Michigan fans each buy tickets and watch as the three Ohio State fans buy only a single ticket.
     "How are three people to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Michigan fans.
     "Watch and you'll see," answers a Buckeye.
     They all board the train. The Michigan fans take their respective seats but all three Ohio State fans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Michigan fans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Michigan fans decide to copy the Buckeyes on the return trip and save some money (being clever and all that).
     When the Michigan fans get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Ohio State fans don't buy a ticket at all.
     "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Michigan fan.
      "Watch and you'll see."
     When they board the train, the three Michigan fans cram into a restroom and the three Buckeyes cram in another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Buckeyes leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Michigan fans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

MAKING FRIENDS

     There's a Buckeye fan from Ohio driving from Columbus to Ann Arbor, and a Wolverine fan driving from Ann Arbor driving to Columbus. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
     The Wolverine guy manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
     Likewise the Buckeye guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
     The Wolverine guy walks over to the Buckeye guy and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals."
     The Buckeye guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm going to see what else surrvived this wreck."      So the Buckeye guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Wolverine, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship."
     The Wolverine says, "You're right!" And he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Wolverine hands it back to the Buckeye and says, "Your turn!"
     The Buckeye twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."