Buckeye Humor - www.scaredshark.com

WOODY AND BO

     After Michigan coach Bo Schembechler passes away and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bo a little 2-bedroom house with a faded UM banner hanging from the front porch.
     "This is your home, Coach. Most people don't get their own house up here," God explains.
     Bo looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on the top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all of the windows. Ohio State flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge scarlet and gray OSU banner hanging between the marble columns.
     "Thanks for the home, God, but let

me ask you a question. I get this little 2 bedroom house with a faded Michigan banner, and Woody Hayes gets a mansion with new OSU banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment and then replies, "That's not Woody's house, that's mine!"

WANNA HEAR A MICHIGAN JOKE?

     A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?"
      The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that
joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6 ' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Michigan grad. The fella next to him is 6 ' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Michigan grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
      The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN NEWS REPORT

It was reported that Michigan head football coach Lloyd Carr will only be dressing twenty players for the Ohio State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

FIRST DAY ON THE JOB

     A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said,
     "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
     "But I'm a Michigan graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I even played football there!"
     "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.     "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

ANN ARBOR NEWS REPORT

     Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed today for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field.
     The head coach, Lloyd Carr, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
     Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

CORN AND BLUE?

The University of Michigan - They call it maize -- we call it corn.

MICHGIAN QUARTER RECALL
	The US Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Michigan quarters. "We are recalling all of the new Michigan quarters that were recently issued", Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackleford said in a press conference on Friday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or other coin operated devices. We believe
the problem lies in a design flaw", said Shackleford. The winning design for the Michigan quarter was submitted by the Michigan Quarter Commission. Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and a nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.

THE POPE VISITS LAKE ERIE

     On a tour of Ohio, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit Lake Erie on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion just offshore. They rushed to see what it was and the Pope noticed in the water a hapless man wearing a Univ of Michigan football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a Twelve foot Walleye.
     At that moment a speed boat containing three men wearing OSU football jerseys roared into view from around the point. One of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the Walleye's ribs, immobilizing it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the Michigan man from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the fish to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead Walleye andthen prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting and honking from the shore.It was the Pope and he summoned them to the beach.
     After they reached shore, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some bitter hatred between the people of Michigan and Ohio, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other states could follow".
     He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.As he departed, the harpooner asked the others,
     "Who was that?"
     "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom.
     "Well", the harpooner replied, "he knows nothing about walleye fishing. How is the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

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PROUD TO BE A BUCKEYE

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Michigan Wolverine. She asks her students to raise their hands if they're Wolverines too. Not really knowing what a Wolverine is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Wolverine." "Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?" "Why I'm a proud OSU Buckeye," boasts the little girl. The teacher is perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a rebel. "Well, my mom and dad are Buckeyes, so I'm a Buckeye, too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be a Wolverine."
MICHIGAN FIGHT SONG
A die-hard Ohio State fan and a die-hard Michigan fan are waiting to be executed. The executioner asks the Michigan fan for his last request. "Hmmm", he says, then requests to hear the Wolverine fight song one last time. "OK," says the executioner and turns to the Ohio State fan and asks the same question, "What is your last request?" Without hesitation the Ohio State fan says, "Shoot me first."
JIM, LLOYD, AND THE GENIE
Jim and Lloyd are walking down the beach talking about the new rivalry starting with Jim taking over as coach. As they're walking, Lloyd trips over something and almost breaks his leg. Upon closer inspection it turns out to be a genie's lamp. "Who disturbs me?" asked the genie. Jim and Lloyd, both say that they did it. "You will each get one wish." said the genie. Lloyd offers to go first. "I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Michigan so that none of those stupid miscreants from Ohio will ever get a chance to get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high, and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace." The genie grants the wish to him and he is instantly whisked away to his new paradise. Jim says "Now fill it up with water."
WHO SAYS THEY AREN'T SMART?
Two University of Michigan football players were down on campus partying.They were hootin' and hollerin' when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took two months. "Two months!?" exclaimed the	Lloyd on November 19th ~ move over Gary.
bartender. The Wolverine replied, "Yeah, but the box said 4-6 years."

MICHIGAN CAMPUS TRAGEDY

It was reported that last night, the University of Michigan library burned to the ground. All five books in the library were destroyed. The football team was
very upset because they hadn't colored in two of them yet.

THE STATUE

     A Buckeye fan walks into a curio shop in German Village in Columbus.
Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"
     "Twelve dollars for the rat, one thousand dollars for the story," said the owner. The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
     As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
     He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now
numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster
and faster.
     Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Olentangy River and threw the bronze rat as far out into the river as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the river after it, and were all drowned.
     The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have
come back for the story?"
     "No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze wolverine."

I WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD DRESSED LIKE THAT

     A man walks into a store and says, "I would like a blue hat, blue pants, yellow sweater, and black shoes."
     The clerk says, "Are you a Wolverine fan?"
     "Yes," replies the man, "How did you guess--by the color combination?"
     "No," answers the clerk, "this is a hardware store."

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

     Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been? God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
     Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
     "Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
     God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
     The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a section of land and said, "What's that one?"
     "Ah," said God. "That's Ohio, the most glorious place on earth. It is beautiful. The people from Ohio are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
     Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "what about balance, God? You said...", God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting in Michigan."